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Cortesy of: Aish.com
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are
apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their
life with. To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10
insights. #1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her
to change after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule
is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect
people to change after their married... for the worst!" So when it comes to the other person's spirituality,
character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now. #2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on
chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it
burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm
in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for: Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right
thing" is more important than personal comfort? Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other
people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity? Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he
says s/he's going to do? Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy
life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I
want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like
him or her? #3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't
understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often
than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the
onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy
them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that
she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to
give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to intimacy.
The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy
is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes
this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off."
Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become
more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure,
amazing things happen. #4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share
a common life goals and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that
sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow
together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're
"living for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the
same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate
is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the same understanding of
life's purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals. #5. You choose the wrong person because you get
intimately involved too quickly. Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is
not inclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find
out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure
you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about
it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is
almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce. #6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a
deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection
or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are
impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they
own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty,
determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is
he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her? #7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone
with whom you don't feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm,
peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself
with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a
really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you
marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not
feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other
person will view it. If you?re afraid to express your feelings and opinions
openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the
other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an
abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change
you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A
suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their
benefit. #8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put
everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be
brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way
to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to
know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find
compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you.
This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person.
If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in
hand. #9. You pick the wrong person because you use the
relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy
and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take
responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You?ll feel better, and your
future spouse will thank you. #10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is
involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally
dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the
classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as
well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles.
The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you.
You will not be their number one priority. And that?s no basis for a
marriage.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy
and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional
problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take
responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You?ll feel better, and your
future spouse will thank you. #10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is
involved in a triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally
dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another
relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the
classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as
well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles.
The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you.
You will not be their number one priority. And that?s no basis for a
marriage.
Do I want to be more
like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or
her?
Be on the look out
for someone who is always trying to change you.
If you are unhappy
and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy
and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is presently the director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles and in addition to teaching extensively for Aish HaTorah, runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and personal guidance.
Last update: May 10, 2006
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