<- Back to Our Virtual Home | Back to Spirituality page -> |
Cortesy of: Aish.com
by Rabbi Nachum Braverman
Why Not Intermarry?
Intermarriage is first and
foremost a personal issue. Why is it in your best interest to marry a
Jew?
Working backwards, I think it should be said at the
outset that often there are poor reasons not to intermarry. First
among these is the argument that Jews and non-Jews are different and
shouldn't mix. It's the clannish attitude which drove my parents and many
others far from their heritage. Second among poor reasons not to intermarry is that
"our ancestors suffered and died for their Jewish identity." (The argument
that "it will kill your mother or grandmother," etc. is a variation on the
theme.) This appeal to guilt is at best a non-sequitur. What my ancestors
believed or practiced is no evidence that I should do the same. Worse,
however, than being ineffective, this argument conveys the attitude that
Jewish identity and commitment are a painful burden which one accepts, if at
all, against desire and self-interest. This isn't a strong answer to the
question, "Why be Jewish?" A third argument commonly offered against
intermarriage is that it threatens Jewish survival. This is true, but
inadequate, because it begs the question: "Why is Jewish survival important?
Why is Jewish survival something I should sacrifice my personal happiness to
achieve?" Intermarriage is first and foremost a personal issue.
Why is it in your best interest to marry a Jew? Sheldon falls in love with Maria. He believes he has
finally found his soul mate. And Maria happens to be a lot more together
than the Jewish women Sheldon has previously dated. Why shouldn't
they get married? What can be more important than true love? Are there any other factors besides love a person
should consider when deciding to marry? Would you marry the person you love
if he or she told you they don't want to have any children? Yes, love is essential, but it's not all you need.
You also need to share common life goals. Intermarriage is so prevalent today because your
typical Sheldon and Maria do share common life goals. For many, religion is
at most a kind of cultural club you happen to be born into. Differences like
gefilte fish versus mayonnaise on white bread do not pose a major threat to
the stability of a marriage. What is so valuable about Judaism that you should
rule out 99% of the world's population as possible spouses? Jewish survival is not merely an ethnic issue but
also a moral issue because the Jews are not only an ethnic group -- they are
a moral force. Through the covenant that began with Abraham and sealed at
Mount Sinai with the giving of the Torah, as a nation we have testified to
the importance of conscience in a way that has been uniquely Jewish. We gave
the world the concepts of universal education and the right to a fair trial.
We taught the world that the rule of law binds even the king, and the
protection of law extends even to the poor and powerless. In the early part of the last century civilized men
believed war to be ennobling, while 3,000 years ago the Jews were teaching
all men to "beat their swords into plowshares." That the historical meaning
of our peoplehood continues to this day is indicated by the
disproportionately high number of Jews in charities and in all causes of
social welfare, from civil rights to feminism. It is evidenced by the
behavior of the modern State of Israel, committed to the "purity of arms,"
where soldiers stop and consider the morality of their orders (as happened
widely in Lebanon), and where public conscience is outraged by murders not
committed by ourselves but by others whom we could have stopped (e.g. Sabra
and Shatilla). The testimony of conscience has not been an
ecumenical task. It has been pursued as Jews fulfilling our unique covenant.
This is not to say that only Jews are capable of conscience or of goodness.
Yet it is to say that no other people has conceived their nationhood as the
pursuit of conscience while, for us, it has been self-defining. This unique mission has earned us as well a unique
hatred. Hitler said: "The struggle for world domination is between me and
the Jews. All else is meaningless. The Jews have inflicted two wounds upon
humanity: circumcision on the body, and conscience on the soul. I come to
free mankind from their shackles." To intermarry means to abandon the people so
conceived, and to abandon as well their quest for greatness that only comes
through the fulfillment of Torah - the same Torah that expressly prohibits
intermarriage [Deut. 7:3]. Greatness can't be purchased cheaply. It is a
product of the hard choices by which we evince our commitment to an ideal.
If by my choice for marriage I express a commitment to the Jewish search for
meaning, then I make the Jewish mission and greatness my own. If I prefer an
individual and her love -- more than that mission -- then I am ultimately
impoverished. The choice can't be made in ignorance. The commitment
of our ancestors isn't reason enough to live as a Jew. It does indicate
something which, for many centuries, has been deeply nourishing, so
nourishing in fact that we have endured the torments of anti-Semitism and
still felt ourselves richly repaid. There's no way to understand that
commitment or its rewards without studying the Torah, because Torah is the
root from which that tree has grown. Appraise the treasure before selling them forever. Go
learn what it means to be a Jew.
What is so valuable about Judaism that you should rule out 99% of the
world's population as possible spouses?
There's no way to understand that commitment or its rewards without
studying the Torah.
Rabbi Nachum Braverman studied philosophy at Yale University. For many years he served as Educational Director of Aish HaTorah Los Angeles, and is now Executive Director of Aish HaTorah's Jerusalem Fund for the Western Region. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and children.
Last update: December 15, 2003
Copyright © 1999 - 2003 Kehilas Moreshes Yaakov, All Rights Reserved.